i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You are a genius and a whore.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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