Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
