if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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