Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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