he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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