btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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