One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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