Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
