I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
