Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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