I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
