well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
