I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to be your penis for a week.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
