Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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