you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
