I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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