You work out of a Hotel?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
