He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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