if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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