everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
