if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
