Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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