girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dignity is for republicans.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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