Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
