glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
