I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
