Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
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