We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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