You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
