I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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