i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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