I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
