totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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