I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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