Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
