I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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