You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
