Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
