there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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