Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
