my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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