If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Drake has all the answers
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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