how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
