allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
