I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Randomize
