She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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