I'm gonna have a badass scar
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
