I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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