Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
