you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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