when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
