my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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