I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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