Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
FUCK WHALES
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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