Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
