Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
