I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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