I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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