1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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