I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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